YOU'RE DEFINITELY IN ARIZONA WHEN....

I can't help myself usually about this time of year when I am in HATE mode about living in Arizona because I'm tired of being penned in by the heat, I find a way to strike out in writing but after hearing about Gawker.com listing Arizona properly as THE WORST state in the country-

I HAD to write about why...

And if anyone takes offense, sorry-this is my honest opinion and assessment being a native here, and you won't get me to admit THAT in too many places.

And if you are one of those non-thinking people who say, "well just move somewhere else then", I will forgive you for having more money than brains since anyone STUCK here like me knows this place sucks you dry not only of moisture but of money so you can NEVER get out if you are a decent normal hard working citizen!

There are really only two kinds of people here, the ones who can't get out and the ones who have so much money that the living conditions here don't touch them.

I honestly I wish I could apply for political asylum to another state! lol

I have TREID to get out BELIEVE me, but if you are familiar with the GodFather movies, then you'll understand when I say,"It keeps sucking me back in!!!"

With that said, I've compiled a list of how Arizona is and unfortunately even though some are funny they are still all mostly true.

SO here is...

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN ARIZONA WHEN...

*The only storms that happen are dust storms.

*The tourism office warns you not to visit longer than 3 weeks due to the deadly spore that gets permanently embedded in your lungs.

*NASA does simulations of the moon here for the moonscape authenticity.(Thanks Julie Ferrar for that idea!)

*A senator who is the nicest kindest caring person you could ever know gets shot in the face while the bigoted sheriff that likes to play cowboy makes certain races the Indians and the Governor takes everyone's jobs, health care and help away never even get threatened.

*Putting your shoes on without checking them after they have been on the floor overnight is an adventure to see if yur feet gets stung or bit.

*The devil comes here to vacation.

*Mist sprayers don't reach you if you're sitting down.

*Your indoor/outdoor cat cries to come in by 10 am because its so hot.

*The middle of winter is the first time you actually see kids playing outside.

*The state landmark is a hole in the ground.

*You must go food shopping in the middle of the night so your frozen foods will make it home.

*Crime does pay because jobs don't.

*Homeless people have to commit crimes so they can have a place to sleep and get something to eat.

*Sunscreen is not an option, it's a way of life.

*You are in the military and going to the front means the Arizona Border.

*The Governor gets re-elected when she has hurt every human being that lives here with every choice she makes.

*80 degrees seems cool.

*You take a towel with you to the car, not to sunbathe somewhere but to be able to sit on your car seat.

*Midday looks like the town or city has been evacuated.

*Women wearing shorty shorts are not just making a fashion statement.

*The people come in 3 moods-scowley, grumpy and angry.

*"Right to work" actually means right to pay you nothing and fire you for any reason.(Thanks for that one Susan Glen)

*Deodorant is not worn for politeness, it's the law.(OK, it's not but it SHOULD be!)

*You're child asks why the grass colors the tips of its hair blond because the sun has singed the tops.

*You're glass sweats but there is no ice in it.

*"Burning man" here is trying to go to the store midday.

*Bird baths are actually bird cool off stations.

*Birds don't sit in trees but under them for the shade.

*The coyotes don't howl but beg for water.

*Airplanes have been known to be grounded because the tires are melting.

*Hot beverages seem cool to you.

*You go to the movies only to get out of the heat.

*Hot tubs don't need the heat turned on.

*In the summer if you're pool is not shaded then you have a very large hot tub.

*Your wardrobe consists of clothes for warm, hot and hotter weather. (Thanks Susan Glen again)

*You can't curse anyone to hell because if they live here, they might as well already be there.

*Smelling smoke means something spontaneously combusted, not a fireplace going.

*You have to carry your birth certificate to prove you are a citizen in your glove box along with your other car stuff if you get stopped.

*There's no real mountains, just desert and high desert.

*You realise a dry heat cooks birds too, from personal observation!

*You won't get hired if you say you take mass transit on your application.

*Lawmakers call for a boycott of their own state.

*People from another state call the people here warm and you know they are talking about their skin temperature.

*Native landscape means a yard full of rocks.

*Cacti are protected because its the only plant there is.

*Jogging outside in July means you are trying to commit suicide.

*Buying a black car means you have psychological problems.

*You leave your groceries in the car in the morning and they are cooked by dinner.

*You're friend from Norway comes to visit you and bursts into flames coming off the plane.(thinking of you, Nina!)

*You hear thunder and you feel relief,

*Petrified is the only forest you know.

*Dressing up means a new t-shirt and hemmed shorts.

*There is more water in the streets after a rain than in washes,

*You are asked where are you from and you try to think up a way out of answering.

*The seasons are: Almost Summer, Summer, A little after Summer and Cooler Summer.

*On Christmas Day you take your kids to go play in the park sandbox.(Thanks for this one too Susan Glen!)

*Thanksgiving is held outside as a cookout.

*As a citizen you go on the "found money" site and can't claim it because the Governor made a law that if you didn't claim it in a year Arizona can take it.

*You find out when they talk about thieves here it's another definition for the Arizona Government.

*You still get taxed for food because they tell you the wrappers aren't food.

*Hot-headed is a health condition and not an emotional state.

*A good portion of National Wanted Criminals hide here because they know that no one wants to come here to look for them.

*When someone one does something newsworthy crazy, the natives here just nod knowingly that yet another brain got cooked.

I am positive other Arizonans can add to this in spades, so go ahead!

Thanks for reading.

Samantha Stacia

http://samantha-stacia.blogspot.com

Creator of the Blooming Late writers group on www.SheWrites.com

http://frankiesfundraising.blogspot.com