Are You Finding Yourself In Life Transition?

I have been overwhelmed lately by the amount of women I keep running into, talk to and read about who are going through some kind of major life transition.

This unique phenomena seems to happen between the ages of 40 to 55. But I have also run into a person who was just over 60 when this happened.

I am fully aware of the Male Mid-life crisis and that's not what I am talking about. While I know that this is also happening to men, I really can't address that because well-I'm not one. But it seems to be a HUMAN phenomena and not just a male or female one. Men handle it differently from women, and I think that's why it has gotten so much press in the past. The flashiest and nastiest always get the press.

But while men got all the attention, females quietly and valiantly have been going through major life transitions around this age forever. And I want to give THAT some press of it's own as well as some tips from what I have personally gone through that helped me.

A HUMAN PHENOMENA

Why I call it a phenomena is because it seems to happen to everyone whether they want it to or not. All I can think is it is some kind of law of the universe that if you live long enough you will have to grow, no matter what.

It comes in a lot of ways. Through a huge wake up call like mine from a physical problem, or from a marriage problem that just can't go any further or a career that all the sudden no longer seems to want you. These seem to be the prevailing catalyst type ways that these transitions are made to occur.

But in whatever form it comes, it seems it cannot be escaped. Even the happiest, most well-adjusted person seems to be called on to grow and change in some life-altering way around this time of life.

I have had the unique experience lately to see a slice of now 80 women's lives from my group Blooming Late for writers. It was there that I first noticed this was more than just my crowd, my friends, this happens to everyone at one point or another.

And I'm not talking about regular transitions, i.e getting married-having kids-buying a house-losing your parents etc. While they are ALL important they aren't this universal demand to grow in the mid-life area.

People used to think it was "empty-nest syndrome" and I do believe it is the most obvious way this phenomena has been seen when it comes to women, it absolutely is not the reason that change happens. It can certainly be one of the catalysts but is not the cause.

Basically I am trying to warn you-this seems to happen no matter what. And all I can gather is it is a part of, maybe the last part of human growth that sociologists and psychology seems to have missed as a whole.

This is probably part of what it is to be human....

If you see it from the basic human growth standpoint, compare it to the early teen years, it's blamed on hormones but it's really a developmental stage as a person. AND it happens whether you want it to or not. Even as teens, you either learn to accept it or rebel which only puts off the inevitable and stunts your adult hood as a result.

Then there's the twenties, where we make pretty firm life decisions as new adults so maybe this is where the problem happens. Maybe we aren't actually ready to make these kinds of decisions at this age because it always always gets changed in the 40s or 50s in a big big way.

I am thinking we make decisions based on peoples and societies and cultural opinions but not what we know we should be and do in our hearts.

But when mid-life comes a calling, we are almost forced to make the adjustments that set us on our life path once and for all. And once again we can accept it or rebel but I want to tell you, Ive seen the rebelling part and it doesn't end well in this last growth step.

I hear it over and over again from these women who are in transition or just over it. They say,

"I am happier now than I ever have been."

"I never would have believed that this horrible happenstance of-losing my job, getting divorced,surviving a major health problem-would be the exact thing I needed to finally do what i have always known I wanted to do."

"I wouldn't trade places with my younger self now for anything."

And I personally echo these words.

I would say nine times out of ten, once whatever it is that is done with that caused the life change and people find themselves on this entirely different, mostly unplanned life path they are amazingly grateful that it happened. I know I am and I went through hell.

If I hadn't gotten GBS and HAD to be forced into the dying process-I never would have faced what I had known in my heart all along, that I was supposed to be a writer. maybe I would have had to always work other jobs and write in my spare hours after, but writing is what I came here to do.

I REALLY wanted to write always, but I looked for validation, even permission in all the wrong places. Peoples opinion, cultural norms, society in general-but most of all these ways made writing look like a waste of time and a trivial pursuit for my life. And for the most part I believed it.

Even though I STILL learned about writing and wrote articles, stories and poems because as the quote I ran across by R.A. Salvatore says-"If you can quit, quit, if you can't you're a writer." and that says it all. I couldn't quit-I tried.

But I am not just talking about writing, that's just mine. I am talking about any dream, any calling of the heart, any true desire that was in your gut-you will be forced through some sort of odd intervention either dramatic or simply problematic to look at your life and GROW!

Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living." but what he didn't say was for the most part you were going to examine it whether you planned it or wanted it.

SO here you are, in the middle of a mess called your life when everything has been sort of-going, sometimes good, sometimes not, but going. And now, by whatever it is that happened, it's not.

And you are going to have to begin again. Start over. Build up. LIVE YOUR LIFE now.

You're going to get through it and you will be better for it

I am resolved to believe that if you are so blessed as to live long enough that this is the last stage in human development for an individual and it is something that is meant to be.

And I believe that while there might be some dramatic lowering of status, income, or physical activity and/or ability, you will have whatever it is you need, to do what it is now you are to do.

There IS a destiny and it's the one that's been written in your heart all along.

We were meant to be happy in our lives and this transition somehow is whats meant to get us there.

Coincidentally (which I don't believe in actually) someone put a comment in the Writers Network group on FaceBook which fits this article beautifully...

"Previously disadvantaged does not mean currently disabled.Start picturing it and start painting it. Stop postponing your dreams and spread your wings. No one said it will be easy but you can achieve it because your worth is immeasurable! The first step is usually the hardest one, but thsi does not depict impossibility. The only thing standing between you and success is YOU."

I couldn't have said it any better.

SO what advice is there for those going through this chaotic change of life?

There are some things that can make it easier..

First, stop asking questions, permission or opinions and start looking out for the answers. I don't mean actively seek answers, start watching for the synchronicity, the patterns and above all, listen to that still, small, voice inside.

Join a group that will encourage your new endeavours. You need to be around people who understand who you really are. But just ONE group either in person or online where you feel ultimately comfortable and understood. Joining more will scatter you and not do you any good.

Accept that it's OK to live YOUR life. SO many people have been living the lives their parents wanted, their spouce wanted, their culture wanted or even society wanted. You are going through this so you will allow YOUR unique life to be on this planet the way it was meant to be.

Realise that no one can do this for you. You really must learn to be your own very best friend. Yes, you can get support and encouragement and even inspiration from others but ultimately you have to be OK with your own company and be who you are now, FOR yourself and no one else.

Try to trust... This is the hardest one still for me but again a necessary piece of the puzzle. This step will include your spirituality and if you haven't given that special portion of your life attention, you need to now. Most women turn to others who are pillars in their chosen faith, like Joyce Meyer, Mother Angelica etc. Just someone who has gone before you who will inspire you to move forward in trust that there is an order to the universe and whether you call it God or not doesn't change the truth of it, and you are a part of it no matter what. That's what being human is about.

DO the work and look ahead... I lamented what could have been, what should have been, when my eyes were opened through my change. But you must find some sort of resolution and closure to this. I've noticed most of the women in my group seem to see that even though the time lost factor is present, the things you did in the past are not lost. They are incorprated as valuable life experience for the new life you are living. Somehow theres an understanding and perspective that all this gets woven into our own story and it all turns out for good.

Be patient. This is another hard one but growth takes time and while acceptance can make the process easier and speedier, growth STILL takes time and you must be patient with what's going on and above all with yourself.

And last I will close this article with a Bible verse that is straight from the mouth of God and one I hope that will allow you to trust the process and inspire you to move forward.

"FOR I KNOW THE PLANS I HAVE FOR YOU,PLANS TO PROSPER YOU AND NOT TO HARM YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU HOPE AND A FUTURE." Jeremiah 29:11

Thanks for reading,

Samantha Stacia

http://samantha-stacia.blogspot.com

creator of the writers group Blooming Late on www.SheWrites.com

http://frankiesfundraising.blogspot.com